I ask myself that many, many times. Along with WHY can't things just be 'normal,' WHY ME? & what did I do to deserve this again? Sadly, I never get the answers to these questions so here I am searching once again for them. My life has been thrown way too many curve balls and I just want slow pitch for a change.
I think in trying to find the answers to all my questions I'm learning things about myself. I'm learning my weaknesses & my strong points. Just when I think I can't cope any longer, I seem to find a new inner strength. That's not to say I'm not having weak moments. I have broken down and cried until my eyes burned, until I don't think I have any tears left, until I can't speak, until I'm dry heaving over the toilet. I will be glad when all this hurt subsides and my heart stops aching. I don't know that the kids ever will and that saddens me that I can't just kiss things & make them better.
Being strong in front of them is a must for me. I try very hard (although not always successful) to not have a breakdown in front of the kids. Their lives have been turned just as upside down & inside out as mine- if not moreso- and they are trying their best to cope with the goings-on. The last thing I feel they need is to see mommy in tears. Then they worry more and I don't want them to worry anymore than they are already, know what I mean?
Being around people that I know care about and love me & the kids so far has been some of the best medicine for us all. Those that don't trash talk the absent person in our lives, those that don't try to just talk about that person (we need distraction thankyou), those that help us to laugh & see the good in things helps me feel as if there is hope for us, that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, no matter how distant it may seem.
I went to a local nursing home late this afternoon to apply for their CNA class and jobs. The nursing home is roughly 12-15 mins. from my house so that is a bonus for me. It will save me on commute time, gas, as well as I will be close to the kids. I was hoping that the class would be starting like Monday but it's not scheduled to start for another 2 wks. Then the class takes 2 wks. to complete THEN I will be put straight on the 2PM-10PM shift. Would be fab for summertime seeing how the kids stay up all night and sleep most of the day BUT school is now just around the corner. This stresses me out. Who is going to watch my kids after school? Who will feed them dinner and help them with their homework? Who will tuck them in at night? *SIGH* It makes me tear up to think that I won't be home at night for a while to see my children off to bed.
This school year is an important one as well. The Boy Wonder starts Middle School and he is already nervous. The Little Diva starts kindergarten. My mind is going 100 MPH thinking how can I juggle everything and everyone as a newly single working mother of 4. This is all new to me, new to them and very, very...terrifying for us all.
How we will manage things...I'm sure we will learn through trial & error, through tears and laughter and something I've been doing my best to preach to them since things have "come out in the wash," TEAMWORK. That WE are all we have and WE must work together to make sure that WE survive & come out on top.
I'm going to close with a quote that I love and to me, says it all about my relationship with my babies:
"To the world you are one person, but to one person, you are the world."